


Can’t Have You

by taetens



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Dan, Immortality, M/M, Major Character Death (Don’t panic too much. Trust me on it.), Mentions of Suicide (Not Directly?), Phan - Freeform, Sort of sad, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Top Phil, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25434226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taetens/pseuds/taetens
Summary: Immortality grants you many wishes, but sometimes takes away the ones you cherish the most.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Can’t Have You

**Author's Note:**

> In other words to steer away from any further confusion, Dan is immortal.
> 
> Ps. This is like, my longest work. I haven’t gotten around to fully look over errors, I’m currently finishing this at 2am, please bear with me

_“You can’t possibly leave me like this—You don’t have the right to!” Dan tightly gripped onto the leather jacket in his hands as his knees hit the ground. He felt as if the world was shaking around him, almost as if it was violently trying to wake him up from this horrid dream but to not avail._

_“I-I can’t keep living this way! Just make it stop!” The curly haired boy practically sobbed as he let go of the leather jacket, his hands reaching up to grip at his own hair as his eyes were closed shut._

_He had gone through this far too many times. Centuries of the same events. If anything he felt like he was playing on a broken record, mindlessly spinning around the same fate._

_It’s what made him close himself off to people._

_What was the point in establishing bonds and relationships with others if it just meant you’d watch them disappear into thin air in a matter of years?_

_Dan felt his chest tighten as he continued to sob, it all crashing down onto his shoulders as he kept shaking. It was only a matter of time before everything paused and the sound of knocking snapped him back into reality._

Dan practically shot out of bed as his hand rested over his chest where his heart should be. He felt it thumping wildly in his rib cage, it almost mimicking the sound of the hyperactive knocking on his apartment door.

The sound was slightly foreign. After all he had no friends, the one person he would speak to was the landlord. Well, landlords, they changed every few years.

Dan shook his head, wiping his face with his hands before he crawled out of bed. He then slowly approached the door and opened it to find a tall black haired man standing behind it with a rather large smile plastered on his lips. “Hello there! I’m Phil, I recently moved into the apartment that is in front of yours. I thought it would be appropriate to introduce myself since we’ll be seeing a lot from each other now that we’re door roomies.”

 _Door roomies?_ Dan furrowed his eyebrows slightly at the term. Usually for someone who had been living as long as he had, no one even dared to introduce themselves to him and label them like Phil had.

Phil stood awkwardly at the door when he didn’t receive an answer. “Oh sorry, are you mute? Or perhaps deaf—Not to assume or anything! I could just find a better mode of communication! Perhaps even learn sign language if necessary —How would you be hearing this—“ “I’m not deaf nor mute, Phil.”

Phil seemed a little more relieved at that and smiled yet again. “Great! That means we shouldn’t have that much of an issue with communication. Can I know your name?”

“It’s Dan.”

“As in Daniel?”

“Just Dan.”

Phil nodded his head at that, studying the boy. “Did you just wake up? Wait—did I wake you? I’m so sorry if I did! I didn’t know another night owl lived amongst me. I usually wake around 12 noon.”

Dan nodded his head slightly, not interesting in the conversation as he gripped onto the side of the door. After so many years being alive, he had never interacted with someone so much. In fact, he’s never had someone want to interact with him this much.

The black haired boy chewed on his bottom lip. “I guess I should let you be! Just wanted to make a first impression, fingers crossed it went well?”

Dan simply stared at the man, trying to get a little more information about him based on his looks. If anything he looked like he could be in his late twenties. Either way it couldn’t compare to his own age. Hell, he didn’t even know his own age at this point. He was merely grateful that his appearance didn’t match his age. 

“I should um, getting going?” Phil awkwardly smiled before moving backwards until his hand reached his own door nob. He gave Dan one more smile and a wave before disappearing into his own apartment.

Dan sighed softly as he closed his door after making his way inside. 

Hopefully that would be the last of Phil and his endless talking.

-

Of course, Dan was beyond wrong.

 _Everyday_ Phil gave him a smile and a hello before asking about his day. Even when Dan wouldn’t respond, the black haired boy continued on with talks about his day as he joined Dan on walks up and out of the apartment complex.

To say the least, Dan was getting frustrated. He was glad when his life mainly consists of minimal interaction with things other than his bed. He liked it better when the only voice he heard was his own thoughts trying to navigate his life through this timeless prison. 

But now it was just Phil.

He expected for the boy to take a hint. To understand that his presence was not welcomed, but Phil never got that. He kept pushing and pushing, and God, Dan was so close to ripping his own hair out. He could put up for decades of the same lifestyle, but he couldn’t handle Phil talking his ear off any time he walked out the door.

It wasn’t until three months later that Dan finally snapped.

“I have multiple house plants! I tend to them everyday—well, most days—alright, you got me. I’m terrible at keeping them alive. But I try my hardest, I think it’s the thought that counts, don’t you—“ “Do you ever shut up?”

Phil suddenly fell quiet as he looked at the boy in front of him. It had to be the first time ever that he stopped taking in front of him. “I tried to be subtle about not wanting you around, but Christ, you can’t take a hint. I don’t know what made you believe I was interested in some sort of friendship, but I’m not! I spend my time alone, and I wish it to stay that way.” Dan finished off as he shoved his hands in his pockets, leaving Phil alone in the hallway as he made his way over to his own apartment.

After his outburst, Phil didn’t talk to him anymore.

It was suddenly quiet again, and as much as Dan should enjoy it. He hated it.

He didn’t realize how much having someone talk to him had an impact on him. Sure he found it annoying, but that was just because he wasn’t used to it. And now that it was gone, now he wasn’t used to being alone again.

Dan groaned as he wet his face, his hands gripping onto the edge of the sink as his eyes were closed shut. 

He didn’t want to admit that he liked walking with someone even if he wasn’t paying attention to the conversation. Well, that was a lie. Dan actually listened. If anything, he knew so much information that he could probably write a biography of the boy. It was a rather interesting concept that he knew so much of Phil, but Phil knew nothing of him.

Just as he was drying his face, a soft knocking was at his door that caused him to tear away the goal from his face and drop it on the counter. He slowly approached the door, not bothering to check who it was as he opened it.

There stood Phil for the first time in weeks, in his hands a small succulent in a green pot. “Dan! I’m glad you opened, I was afraid you were still mad at me. I’m sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. I didn’t mean to, I swear! I just get carried away with conversation, and I end up—“ Phil shook his head, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them and offering Dan a small smile. “I’m doing it again. I’ll make this quick to get out of your hair. I brought you this as a sorry gift. One of my favorite plants, I named him George since the florist that I bought it from was named George.”

Dan looked at the plant, slowly bringing his hands up to take the pot from Phil. 

After living for so long, he’s never gotten a gift before. This was a first.

“I figured you’d treat it well. I probably would’ve accidentally killed it in a matter of weeks. I’m sure he’ll be happy and healthy with you.”

Dan smiled slightly as he looked at the plant, his dimple showing. It had probably been ages since it had made an appearance on his face. Now that he’s thought about it, he wasn’t sure when was the last time he smiled.

“I—“ Dan paused for a second before looking back at Phil. “I’ll take care of it.”

Phil smiled at that and nodded his head. “I’ll be on my way then, if you ever need me I’m like, a couple of feet away! Or a knock away, whichever expression you prefer.”

Dan found himself laughing slightly at that, surprising himself since he was pretty sure that sound hadn’t left him in ages.

Phil was about to leave when Dan quickly grabbed his arm. Phil immediately stopped his movements as he spared a glance at Dan’s hand before looking back at him. 

“Do you maybe want to stay a little..?” Dan bit his lip. He wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t used to making friends, if that’s what this was. He could barely hold a conversation with himself. Usually he had his interaction practice with the landlord, but they hardly talked. It was rare for them to have any sort of conversation and it really put a dent in Dan’s social skills.

Phil’s eyes seemed to light up at the mention of hanging out. It wasn’t until then that Dan realized just how blue his eyes were. They seemed so bright and full of live, he couldn’t imagine how dull his would be in comparison. “Sure! We could even order a pizza, my treat! Do you age anything like board games or video games?”

Dan shook his head slightly. He didn’t bother keeping up with any trends given how long he has been alive. It was a waste of money at this point. His apartment was practically empty with only a closet filled with a suitable amount of clothing, and a few memories from people he got close to years ago.

“Really?” Phil seemed a little taken back but shook his head with an easy smile resting on his lips. “Don’t worry, I have so many, I’ll be right back.”

It wasn’t until then when Dan realized he still had a hand on Phil’s arm. The realization sparked a light blush on his cheeks as he quickly moved his hand away and used it to cradle the other side of the pot he was holding. “I’ll uh, leave the door open for you.”

Phil nodded before disappearing into his own apartment leaving Dan at his doorway staring at the potted plant in his hands. He slowly retreated into his small home, making his way over to a table that had small items on there. Some of them seemed like utter rubbish like the glass coke bottle from 1889 that he shared with a good friend of his at the time. Next to it was an antique snow globe that was practically dated back to the early eighteen hundreds given to him by a boy he was certain to have a future with, but that didn’t happen.

Dan sighed softly as he placed the plant alongside them. 

_‘Memory of Phil, 2015’_ was the one thing that rang in his thoughts as he looked at it. That’s all that would be. A reminder that he once got close to someone and watched them disappear right in front of him.

Dan frowned slightly, flinching when hearing Phil behind him. “What is this?”

Phil noticed the way Dan reacted and quickly apologized. “Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you! I just, I’ve never seen such old things? Are they collectibles?”

“You can say that.” Dan mumbled softly before turning his attention over to Phil who was carrying quite a bit of things in his arms.

“Do you need help with that?”

“I can just dump this all on the couch, nothing that could break here.” Phil smiled before doing exactly as he said. Dan cringed slightly at the sound of the clattering Video game cd covers and shook his head slightly while Phil sorted through them.

He then gave an elaborate explanation of each of the things he brought and Dan just couldn’t help but think about how filling Phil’s voice was in his vacant apartment. He missed half of his explanations, telling him to pick instead.

And that’s how they ended up playing a video game that Dan couldn’t comprehend up until 1am.

-

Dan didn’t think he would be starting a friendship with someone he had just met. He didn’t believe he was capable of socializing with someone for more than a couple of minutes, yet here he was in between constant visits to Phil’s apartment.

It became a habit for the two to see each other. It had even got to the point where Dan was being introduced to Phil’s friends. 

No Dan didn’t hate them. He just wasn’t used to so much company around him. He wasn’t fond of being around more than one person, and that one person had to be Phil. He was convinced he could only tolerate Phil, no one else.

It had been around a year since Dan met the boy across his apartment. Ever since, Dan found himself to be more happier. He noticed the way sometimes his cheeks would ache from the constant smile on his lips that was usually replaced by a blank look. 

Sometimes Dan looked himself in the mirror and couldn’t recognize the man in front of it. It was like his alter ego was staring at him with a dimples smile and bright eyes. An image that he hadn’t seen since he was around the age of 5 when his grandmother would spoil him.

“Something on your mind?”

Dan snapped out of his thoughts, looking over at Phil who rested a hand on the top of his shin since he was laying his feet over his lap. “I’m just thinking of things..”

“What kind of things?”

Dan shrugged his shoulders slightly. “Thinking about how we’re friends right now. I’ve never really had a great deal of friends before.”

“How come?” Phil furrowed his eyebrows. “I can’t manage without my friends. I consider them a second family.”

“I guess I’m not good at talking to people?” Dan shifted his gaze to his hands as he fiddled with his fingers. “I haven’t had a friend in so long. The last one I had he.” Dan frowned. He didn’t like thinking about that. He didn’t like reliving the memory, but he couldn’t help but think of it now.

He couldn’t stop imagining the look on Peyton’s face as he took his last breath. The feeling of his hand gripping onto his before it slowly let go. Of course Dan should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve known that he would see him die one day, but it didn’t feel real until it was happening.

The constant dodging of the ‘You never age’ conversation. The way he would look the same while his friends grew with age, their hair graying while wrinkles littered their features.

And there Dan stood, 23 with no visible sign of aging because he never did. 

“He what?”

“He passed away.” Dan mumbled softly, his eyes widened when he felt Phil tug at his arm and pulled him slump against his chest. Dan was slowly panicking on the inside from the amount of warmth he was experiencing. He was practically on Phil’s lap and that had his cheeks Turing a light pink. 

“I’m so sorry about that, Dan. That’s awful. I can’t even put myself in your shoes. But I’m always here to talk if you need anything.”

Dan felt the way Phil was mumbling into his hair. He closed his eyes tightly as his thoughts overpowered him. _’You won’t always be here’_ was one remark that had him want to scream, but his throat was so dry that nothing came out.

Instead, Dan tightly wrapped his arms around Phil’s toso, completely giving into the embrace.

And God, Dan has never felt so defeated in his lip. Phil was absolutely demolishing all the little rules that he kept in his head, and it was slowly ripping him to shreds. It felt like Phil was just breaking down all his glass windows and he was just left to cut himself against the pieces, but at least a warm breeze was coming in.

At least he wasn’t cold at night anymore.

-

Dan absolutely despised himself at the moment. After he realized he was getting a little too attached to the blue eyed boy, he vowed to create some distance. To slowly push him away, but he was just too weak to do it.

Especially since feelings were now added to the whole situation.

Dan closed his eyes tightly as he let his lips softly brush against Phil’s own. He had a soft grip on his waist while Dan had his arms loosely wrapped around his neck. 

The brunette so desperately wanted to scream, but he couldn’t help but feel the fluttery feeling in his chest with the way Phil was holding him. 

After all his years of being alive, he’s never had someone hold him those close.

Phil soon pulled away and Dan felt like he was chasing the kiss as he moved his head up slightly only to make the older boy chuckle softly. “Still haven’t had enough?”

Dan felt his cheeks grow warm as he smiled sheepishly upon opening his eyes. There was something about Phil that made him feel different. 

Phil smiled, pressing a kiss to the younger boy’s forehead as he leaned back on the couch. “I never thought I’d be kissing you, you know? I was convinced you hated me.”

Dan let out a small laugh as he shook his head slightly. “I don’t think I hated you. I was just not used to someone following me around.”

“You make me sound like a stalker.”

“Perhaps you were.” Dan teased, a playful smile on his lips as he felt Phil softly brush the pad of his thumb against his hip bone. 

Phil laughed at that and shook his head. “I would be a terrible stalker. I’d end up losing you half way through. It was only easy for me since you were a foot away.”

“So you’re admitting you stalked me?”

“No!” Phil gaped as he softly shoved Dan away, a smile returning onto his lips when the younger boy held onto him. “Don’t draw those conclusions about me! You’re jabbing at my character. I’m a nice guy that doesn’t do weird things like stalking.”

“Sure.” Dan hummed playfully, a laugh leaving his lips as he leaned down to press a small kiss on Phil’s cheek. “I’m joking, Lester. Don’t take it to heart.”

“I’m wounded.” Phil sighed dramatically as he leaned his head against the couch, looking up at Dan with an expression that Dan wasn’t used to. 

Dan noticed the way he still had a smile on his lips, a hint of fondness in his gaze that made a blush coat his cheeks. He couldn’t remember the last time someone looked at him like that. Or if anyone at all had giving him that look in his entire existence.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

The question caught Dan a little off guard as he kept trying to read the dark haired boy’s expression. He opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t know what to reply with. He was sort of going through some internal battle since part of him was still set on leaving him, but the other half was clutching onto Phil with all he had. 

“I-Don’t you think that’s a little too soon? We don’t know that much about each other, right? Maybe with some more time—“

“Dan, we don’t have all the time in the world.” Phil smiled slightly as he grabbed one of Dan’s hands. “And that’s the point of a date, to get to know a person. I want to get to know you more. I want to spend more time with you. After all, tomorrow is not a given. I want to spend my time right.”

Dan was a loss for words after hearing Phil, because his words did hold truth. Tomorrow was not a given. It wasn’t promised to anyone. Time itself is priceless and so many people run out of it without doing what they loved.

But fuck, Dan wasn’t those people. He wasn’t someone who had to fret over the seconds ticking by. He didn’t have to pray at night to wake up in the morning again. He didn’t have to worry about not having enough time because that’s all he had. 

Time. 

But now he had Phil. But Phil didn’t have the one thing he had an abundance of and he knew that if he said yes he would just be setting himself up for a heartbreak that would ruin him for years to come.

But he’s never been this happy before. He’s never allowed someone to come into his life and love him for once. He’s never had someone want to hold his hand and find out about all his secretes and dreams, even the stupid ones that held no meaning just fun and adrenaline. 

He never had Phil before, and God did he want him more than anything now.

“Yes.” Dan uttered out without even knowing he said anything. The word just slipped out of his lips making Phil light up with a beaming smile.

“Perfect! We can get that sushi place that you wanted to try out last month? Would that be good? If not we can just order a mountain of food to eat here, I’ll even make sure they add every possible dipping sauce just for you.”

Dan smiled at that, his eyebrows slightly furrowed because Phil actually listened to the small conversations they would have. He picked up on little details that he was sure others would forget. 

“Eating here sounds perfect.”

Phil nodded his head before grabbing his phone and calling up a random food place that Dan didn’t pay attention to.

If anything, he was too focused on the way Phil was still smiling as he ordered.

-

“Phil!” Dan gasped as the black haired boy suddenly tugged him over to him, making him slowly start to get drenched in the rain. 

“Come on! Dancing in the rain is so romantic!”

“You’re going to catch a cold.” Dan laughed as the older boy wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close so he was flush against him. 

“No I won’t.” Phil playfully rolled his eyes. “Plus, one of the things on my bucket list is to have someone to kiss in the rain, and who better than my boyfriend of a week?”

Dan blushed slightly. It was hard to believe that a week ago he practically broke down his own walls just to say yes to Phil. Just to call him his, because he didn’t know the next time he would be able to have something as special as this.

“This was on your bucket list?” Dan playfully rose an eyebrow. “I would assume your buck list would be filled with more adventurous things.”

“And this isn’t adventurous? It’s adrenaline packed, think of it this way. There’s a possibility of getting struck by lightning, and we just burn to a crisp.”

Dan shook his head at that, a small part of him now slightly worried about that minuscule probability. He knew if by the off chance of that happening that he would walk away from it completely unscathed, but he couldn’t say the same for Phil.

“So come on, give me a kiss. You only live once.” Phil teased, a happy glint in his eyes as he leaned down slightly so his nose was softly brushing against Dan’s own. 

The last part had Dan wanting to frown, but he couldn’t help but lean up slightly just to kiss the boy. A small smile was on his lips at that way he felt Phil kiss back along with pull him impossibly closer.

It made him feel like putting his heart on the line would be worth it. 

Phil was worth it.

Phil pulled away from the kiss, bringing his hand up to wipe away at the raindrops on his face before he smiled. “And that’s one thing off my bucket list, what about you? Do you have one?”

“A bucket list?”

“Yeah, a list of things you wish to do before you kick the bucket. Sounds pretty cute until you realize it’s centered around death.”

Dan playfully rolled his eyes, resting his forehead on Phil’s collarbone since he didn’t know if he had to strength to speak while looking him in the eyes. “I don’t have one. I’ve never thought of making one. My life just doesn’t feel.. short.”

“Not to say you’re going to die soon, but I would suggest making one. Live out your dreams and be happy.” 

“I already am.” Dan spoke softly as he worked up the courage to look Phil in the eyes. “I think finding you was the first thing on my list, Phil.”

“I think keep you is on my list.” Phil smiled and for once, Dan didn’t feel like his entire world was crashing on his shoulders.

-

Dan closed his eyes as he threw his head back onto the multiple pillows on Phil’s bed while the older boy kissed up his neck towards his jawline before meeting his lips again.

Dan brought a hand up to Phil’s hair, tangling his fingers through it almost as a reminder that the boy on him was real, and that this wasn’t some sick figment of his imagination that he would wake up from in a matter of seconds.

A small gasp left his lips when feeling Phil’s cool hands slip under his shirt, brushing against his skin leaving goosebumps in their wake. “Phil..”

Phil pulled away from the kiss, holding himself up by his elbows as he looked down at the curly haired boy beneath him. “Do you want to continue? We can stop here if you want, I don’t mind.” Phil gave him a soft smile that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Can we continue?” Dan spoke gently as he cupped Phil’s cheek, his cheeks a light pink as his other hand gripped at the material of his the older boy’s shirt. 

Phil smiled again, nodding his head before he sat up and tugged his shirt off before discarding it somewhere on his bedroom floor to find later. 

Dan couldn’t help but stare at him. Phil didn’t have the body of some body builder. He didn’t have bulging muscles, but he was fit and very attractive. His skin was practically porcelain, and Dan was slightly terrified that he would break it if he touched. 

Dan looked back up at Phil who was now laying over him again, that same reassuring smile on his face that brought a certain ease to him. 

So Dan let it happen.

He let his last defense drop as he pulled Phil back into a heat kiss, his hands roaming his chest while his thighs braced around his hips. He pushed aside every thought that was running through his mind, because he wanted to be focused on Phil and Phil only. He wanted to relish in the feeling of Phil’s calloused fingertips brushing against his skin along with the way his slightly chapped lips brushed against his bitten ones. 

Dan was so far gone in just the feeling of Phil’s touch that he didn’t even notice how he was now bare beneath the boy. His body flushing at the realization as he attempted to cover himself.

Phil shook his head slightly, pressing small kisses to his cheek and collarbone that screamed nothing but affection and adoration. “You never have to hide from me, okay? You’re beautiful. So incredibly beautiful to me.”

Dan didn’t know how Phil managed to do it, but years and years of insecurity were suddenly pushed out the window as he let his words sink it. The more he spent time with Phil, the more he revolved his world around him. If Phil liked it, so did he. And the more Phil liked him, the more he slowly started to appreciate himself.

Phil smiled when seeing the smaller boy no longer tense as he pushed his legs open a bit. “Just going to prep you okay? If you ever feel uncomfortable or if you don’t like it, tell me and we’ll stop.”

Dan nodded his head, a grateful smile on his lips as he felt Phil lean down and press a kiss to his forehead. He then reached over to his nightstand and opened the first drawer, reaching in to pull out a bottle of lube along with a condom before closing up the drawer again.

Phil then opened up the condom packet, discarding the wrapper on the ground to join the rest of their clothes before rolling it on. He then grabbed the bottle of lube and poured a generous amount on his fingers, his eyes trained on Dan’s as he slowly pushed in the first digit.

He almost stopped completely seeing the way Dan reacted to it. He seemed uncomfortable, but Dan hadn’t pushed him away or said anything to make him completely stop anything. He waited for the boy to adjust and stop being tense before he moved the single digit slowly. 

Dan let out a small shaky breath, it being cut off by Phil as he pressed his lips to his own. The kiss served as a great distraction from the slightly pain, making the experience a whole lot more pleasurable. It wasn’t until Phil added a second finger that Dan started showing more signs of reaction. His breath would hitch, his body would push down on his fingers and his head would lean back slightly whenever Phil would curl his fingers.

“Phil..” Dan managed to breath out as he pulled the dark haired boy closer to him. “Please.”

Phil bit at his bottom lip, too caught up in the way Dan moaned his name to even function correctly as he slowly drew his fingers out of the younger boy. The action left the curly haired boy whining at the sudden emptiness before he completely shut up the second he felt Phil slowly push into him.

When he managed to fully bottom out, Phil looked over at Dan, brushing some of his curls out of his line of sight before pressing a soft kiss to the tip of his nose. 

Dan somehow managed to smile at that, his hands gripping at Phil’s shoulder as he pulled the boy closer to him. Once he finally give him the cue to move, Phil slowly started moving his hips leaving Dan a little breathless, even more so since Phil’s lips were now back on his so every time a moan managed to claw up his throat, it was muffled into Phil’s lips.

His movements were slow and passionate, not rough and rushed. Although the two hadn’t said those three little words that held so much meaning, Phil’s movements were practically spelling it out to him making him feel warm and content.

And that’s when Dan said it. 

“Phil..I-“ Dan whimpered softly as he gripped onto Phil’s black hair. “I love you.”

Dan didn’t have to wait for a response as Phil kissed him delicately, pulling him flush against his body before he pulled away, a little breathless. 

_“I love you, Dan.”_

Dan could’ve cried at that moment. Never in his entire existence had he felt something like the way Phil made him feel. He never had someone look at him the way he did. Never had someone who touched and kissed him the way Phil did, and it broke him to know that there would never be anyone else to make him feel this way and the second he let Phil out of his grasp that every happy spark in his soul would suddenly dissipate leaving him empty.

But he couldn’t think of that now. He couldn’t imagine life without Phil especially with Phil right here with him, loving him and holding him close, moaning his name while whispering sweet nothings in his ear. 

“C-Close.” Dan whimpered out as his blunt nails softly scratched at Phil’s back, leaving small red trails that didn’t break the skin, only leaving it a little irritated.

“Go ahead.” Phil whispered softly against the skin of his collarbone as he continued to press butterfly kisses there. It wasn’t long before Dan was practically crying out Phil’s name as he came onto his lower stomach. His back was slightly arched and his eyes were closed shut while his lips were parted open.

The over all sight was enough to push Phil over the edge as his thrust became sloppier until he came into the condom, panting softly before he gently pulled out, his thumbs brushing against Dan’s hip bones.

Dan tugged Phil down to press another kiss to his lips, smiling when feeling a familiar smile tug onto Phil’s own lips. “I love you..”

“I love you more, Dan.”

-

“Phil?” Dan furrowed his eyebrows as he walked into the seemingly empty apartment. It hadn’t been long since the two made copies of each other’s apartment keys so they could see each other whenever. 

Phil had invited Dan over, but there was no sign of him. That was until Dan looked down and furrowed his eyebrows when seeing a note on the ground.

_Hey Dan! Decided to make this a little more fun and interesting! Come look for me! :-) (ps. It can’t be hard, we live in a very tiny living space, and I’m not exactly the easiest person to hide given my height.)_

Dan laughed softly at the message, looking around the small living area before making his way over to the kitchen it was connected to. There wasn’t anyone there either, only a small cupcake with the word ‘Close’ written on it with sloppy handwriting in white frosting.

Dan quirked up an eyebrow before he made his way over to the only room he was sure Phil would be in. It had to be his room. There was no other place in the apartment where he could hide other than the bathroom, but he doubt he’d be in there.

The curly haired boy took a small lick of the frosting that was on his finger from picking up the cupcake before making his way over to Phil’s room and opened the door. 

Dan stopped in his tracks when seeing multiple balloons on the ground practically coating the entire floor so he was unable to see the white carpet beneath it. He then looked over to the bed where there was a collection of his favorite candies from Japan organized into the shape of a heart making him smile. “Phil?”

Dan flinched slightly when feeling arms wrap around him from behind. “Christ Phil! You can’t just scare me like that! I could've had a heart attack.”

“But you didn’t!” Phil smiled as he rested his chin on Dan’s shoulder, pressing a small kiss to his neck. “But surprise?”

Dan smiled, shaking his head as he glanced up at Phil. “What’s the occasion? It’s neither of our birthdays, and it’s not our anniversary.”

“Maybe it’s the anniversary of something new.”

“Something new?” Dan furrowed his eyebrows when feeling Phil move his arms from him. He then turned to see Phil down on one knee with a soft smile on his lips.

“Phil—“ Dan couldn’t even speak as he looked down at Phil who reached for his hand, holding it before pressing a kiss to the top of it. 

“I don’t think I’ve been this happy with anyone in my entire life, Dan. I knew from that day that you tried pushing me away that that wouldn’t be the last of us. And look how far we’ve come since then? You don’t even attempt to shove me off.” Phil laughed softly making Dan smile despite his raging thoughts. “You’re special to me, Dan. Someone like you doesn’t just come into anyone’s life for no reason. If anything, you gave my life purpose. You make me grateful for every day I get to wake up and see you. You make my life worth living.”

At this point Dan felt tears slip down his cheeks because he was convinced Phil didn’t even know how his words were impacting him. He didn’t know how those words were the same words he had been dying to tell Phil for ages.

Because ever since Phil came into his life, things have never been so bright and happy. He had been alive for so fucking long but never really alive. He was just an empty void that would walk along timelines without a care until everything he cared for fell into his lap in the shape of Phil.

Waking up was more exciting. Breathing was a gift especially if it meant Phil could take it away with a kiss. 

Phil gave his life so much purpose, and he didn’t even know it.

“Dan, will you—“ “Yes!” Dan cut him off immediately before he practically crashed into the boy, hugging him tightly while the tears didn’t stop.

Phil laughed softly at the way Dan was clinging onto him before he pulled away from the embrace to grab Dan’s shaky hand as he slid the ring onto his finger.

 _’Memory of Phil, 2020’_ haunted his thoughts but he kept a smile on his lips as he pulled Phil into a kiss, cupping both of his cheeks as the darker haired boy held him close.

-

“We’re married!” Phil smiled brightly as they both laid in their shared bed. After the whole engagement, Phil thought it was the appropriate time to stop with the visiting and officially have Dan move in with him.

Ever since, the two became even more glued at the hip than usual. “We got married yesterday.” Dan smiled as he looked at Phil as he nuzzled his head onto the pillow, the covers draped around both of their bodies.

“I’ve always dreamed about being married. I didn’t think it would happen.”

“How come?”

“Just never met someone who gets me the way you do, Dan.” Phil smiled as he wrapped an arm around the smaller boy. “You’re like my missing puzzle piece.”

Dan smiled slightly at that, closing his eyes when feeling Phil’s lips press to his forehead. 

“You never change.” Phil spoke softly as he cupped Dan’s cheek. “You still look so young and youthful. I don’t know how you do it.”

Dan didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Dan finally opened his eyes as he looked up at Phil. “Promise me we’ll meet again?”

“Meet again?” Phil furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

“I know.” Dan breathed out softly as he grabbed onto Phil’s hand, feeling the cool metal of the wedding band on his ring finger. “Just.. promise me?”

Phil brought a hand up to move some of Dan’s curls out of his eyes, smiling when seeing those pretty brown eyes that made him melt. He studied the boy a little longer before finally nodding his head and pressing a small kiss to Dan’s lips.

“I’m not exactly sure what you mean by meet again, but knowing us. I know we’ll find out way back to each other. I promise. You’re my person, Dan. My soulmate.”

“Soulmate? Isn’t that just a myth?”

“Myths still hold some truth to them, and if there’s any indication that soulmates are real, you’re the reason to believe.”

-

Dan knew the day would come. He knew it was expected and that his acting would only take him so far, but he had to just to stop the suspicion. He had to play along, and he knew how this would all end even if he ignored all his warnings.

“Phil..” Dan managed to speak as he gripped onto Phil’s hand. After years of being with him, time was slowly taking him away. Health complications grew with age, and Dan was growing tired of purposely dying his hair grey just to fit in with the way Phil was changing. But that didn’t change the way it was impacting Phil’s health while Dan was living perfectly fine.

It didn’t seem fair. 

It _wasn’t_ fair.

Phil wasn’t even talking at this point. The amount of tubes around him didn’t even permit him to say a word if he could. The whole scene had Dan shaking as he kept gripping onto Phil’s hand, silently praying that Phil would just wake up, be 27 just like he was when he met him ages ago so they could start all over.

But that wasn’t happening and Dan knew damn well that this would happen. He knew that he shouldn’t have gotten close to him to begin with because now he was practically watching Phil slip away on his deathbed and the only thing he could do was count down those stupid seconds that he had so much of as Phil slowly left him.

It wasn’t until the machine he was hooked on student halted on a long time that made Dan panic immediately. The sound wouldn’t stop and the grip on Dan’s hand was releasing making Dan want to scream as he called for help.

Dan wasn’t even aware of the amount of people bursting into the room. He was too busy trying to shake Phil awake, but he just wasn’t waking up. 

He was then being pulled away, his hand slipping from Phil’s as his vision became cloudy with tears as he tried fighting his way back. 

Dan has never died before. Although he had attempted, he never died. He couldn’t. He wasn’t blessed with that gift that every other human being had.

But this felt like dying. The fear, the panic, the life draining from your body as you let go of your life.

This had to be his version of death.

-

Dan stayed empty in he and Phil’s shared apartment. He stayed there and looked at all the memories that were left behind in their home. 

He didn’t have the heart to move out. If anything, their shared apartment was the one thing that made him feel whole. Like if everything would be alright in the end even though he knew there would be no end to save him from this cursed life.

He dyed his hair brown again, no longer needing to keep up an act.

Dan was currently laying in bed on Phil’s side as he fiddled with the wedding ring on his finger. As much as he loved the thought of Phil, it was unbearable to have pictures of him around the apartment.

They were simply reminders that he lost the best thing that could ever happen to him in a matter of years that went by like seconds to him.

“Never again.” Dan shook his head as he mumbled to himself, his eyes still locked on the ring on his finger as he slowly turned it. 

Dan shut his eyes tightly, feeling his eyes sting with tears that were begging to be released. He didn’t let them go though, he didn’t want them to because it just made everything more real.

He didn’t want to be reminded of how he was lonely now. How he didn’t have anyone to hold him and tell him everything was okay. He didn’t have someone to spend a fraction of his time on this damn earth. He didn’t have anyone to make this whole experience more bearable.

He didn’t have Phil.

Dan shook his head as he slipped his ring off, making his way over to the table where he had set up all his memories through his life. And just like he imagined, he placed his ring down next to the potted plant that surprisingly wasn’t dead yet.

Dan glanced at the other little items that were laying on the table. They weren’t many since he had never opened up to many people before since he found out about his cursed life. He couldn’t help but compare the objects and how modern Phil’s seemed to be. It really showed the massive gap in his timeline of bonds. 

It was crazy to him that after living for so long, he never had a real relationship. He was never engaged. He was never married. He never spent his entire time with one person. But Phil changed all of that in a matter of seconds.

It really showed how Phil broke down his walls after years and years of them holding up. 

Dan sighed softly as he wiped his eyes, tearing his gaze from his collection as there was a knocking at his door that made him furrow his eyebrows.

With careful steps, Dan slowly made his way to the door and opened it. His heart almost stopping when seeing that same bright smile he bumped into years ago.

“Hello there! I’m Phil, I recently moved into the apartment that is in front of yours. I thought it would be appropriate to introduce myself since we’ll be seeing a lot from each other now that we’re—“

“Door roomies?” Dan’s voice almost cracked as he finished off the sentence, still trying to comprehend how the love of his life somehow managed to walk into his life again.

“Yeah! Exactly! Finally someone gets me—” Phil smiled brightly, his breath hitching when Dan flung himself at him, hugging him tightly. 

“I’m Dan.” Dan spoke softly as he continued hugging the black haired boy, his eyes closed tightly when feeling Phil return the hug.

“Nice to meet you, Dan.”

Dan could’ve cried at that, but he didn’t. He pulled away from the hug and smiled as he felt the life suddenly rush back into his veins at just the sheer smile on Phil’s face.

“Nice to meet you too, Phil.”

“Is this your place? It’s lovely! I see you like plants as well, I have a large amount of them too! I promise next time to bring you one as a gift. I won’t forget, I never break my promises.” Phil smiled.

“I know.” Dan spoke softly as he looked up at Phil, the mention of a promise jogging back a memory he held close to his heart.

_“I love you.”_

__

__

__

_“I love you too.” Dan finally opened his eyes as he looked up at Phil. “Promise me we’ll meet again?”_

_“Meet again?” Phil furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”_

_“I know.” Dan breathed out softly as he grabbed onto Phil’s hand, feeling the cool metal of the wedding band on his ring finger. “Just.. promise me?”_

_Phil brought a hand up to move some of Dan’s curls out of his eyes, smiling when seeing those pretty brown eyes that made him melt. He studied the boy a little longer before finally nodding his head and pressing a small kiss to Dan’s lips._

_“I’m not exactly sure what you mean by meet again, but knowing us. I know we’ll find out way back to each other. I promise. You’re my person, Dan. My soulmate.”_

_“Soulmate? Isn’t that just a myth?”_

_“Myths still hold some truth to them, and if there’s any indication that soulmates are real, you’re the reason to believe.”_


End file.
